Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

wait a minute….

Emma is smarter than all of us.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

[Chasing a fox on my bike]

ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”