Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?

My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

welp

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)

Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

doing your own taxes

“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years