@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

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@P_o_n_k

BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya

ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.

BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya

ME: Again…

@KeetPotato

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

@Bob_Heller

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

@GrumpyBahr

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

@Manali_Shetye5

Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
1) Crimes
2) Accidents
3) Marriages
Need I say more?

@jwomackou

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

@CornOnTheGoblin

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK