Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
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if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Sex so good you see dead people.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect