Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
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BRUNO MARS: I’d catch a grenade for ya
ME: Thanks, but I’d probably still die.
BRUNO MARS: Jump in front of a train for ya
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around
Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
‘I just need like two minutes!’
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Top 3 situations that require witnesses:
Need I say more?
Sounds are hear more. Words is type now.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK