Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

i was baptized in a car wash

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: An ostrich.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.

ANGEL: I think you need a break dude

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me