Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!

Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.