Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

I’m never leaving this app.

General Lee didn’t have kids?

A parent Lee not.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

Just a friendly reminder!

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

Jane: I miss England

Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat