okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
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Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out