Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.

courtroom exchange of the day

“Are you still watching?”

Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.

Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.

Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?

ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.