Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.

What if I made a cactus delicious?

– pineapple inventor

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

5 ways to appear taller

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything

me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

What.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys