Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

me, testifying before congress: …& i think everyone here agrees that it’s about time lawmakers overturn the ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ law because we know that it’s not always the case

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.