“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
me linking you to my twitter
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.