“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You Might Also Like
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Fries, not lies.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.