“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
but that was my emotional support daylight
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Mornin. * use accordingly
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?