“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Bloody internet 😳
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.