Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

[laying in bed]

Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback

Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

Number of times my dog has puked on:

the tile floor: 0

the carpet: 3,290

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.