“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
