“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Pass gas, not judgment.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
