“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Cooking a roast dinner is much better than having one cooked for you, because you can eat pretty much a whole extra serving while you’re making it. For instance, I just “tested” three roast potatoes. Next I’m going to test a Yorkshire pudding.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Waiting for the Charmin
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
