Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from

~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:

Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.

Me: OMG what happened?!

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”

i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.