Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….

LOL

WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS

Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*

Guys talking to women online: Hey

Ferrari squats

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut

The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.

The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild

* sleeps in middle of bed

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides