okay run it by me one more time
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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Spider-cat: No One Home
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.