Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.

😸

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

[sneeze one]

Bless you

[sneeze two]

Bless you

[sneeze three]

You are under arrest

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.

Him: What happens if they get overheated?

Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-

Him: *whispers* hot mess.