Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
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We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Heroic Misunderstanding
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.