okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
💀💀
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes