okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
You Might Also Like
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Only a mother’s love …
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.