Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.

I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”

My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

I unironically love this joke.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.