okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter