Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
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Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
💁🏻♂️
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.