Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
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I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.