Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.
Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.
You Might Also Like
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
First I was a pebble..
I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Be vigilant
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.