Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
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The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
No chill.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.