Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
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My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I’m ready to try another planet.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself