Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
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I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Practicing safe sax
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
As per my last nervous breakdown
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.