Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
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I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
goldfish mafia
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF