Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.

Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.

Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

*NEW*

For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.

PUNderwear ®

Comfort is No Laughing Matter™

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”

2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.