okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
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[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
Showerkraut
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.