Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
You Might Also Like
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Lol
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job