Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
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7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
podcasts
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.