Okay, that made me chuckle đ
You Might Also Like
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 âșïž
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixonâs
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. Whatâs yours? âŁ
âŁ
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someoneâs hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
paddle faster i hear baby shark
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: Iâm looking it up on the internetâŠ
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see whoâs next
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and Iâm very okay with that
[wedding day]
fiancĂ©: I shouldnât have let you pick the photographer
me: but heâs my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Moses: Yo, I think you typoâd this tablet, âThou shall not Billâ?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose youâre all – ugh – I suppose youâre all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Donât help me I CAN DO IT
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
They should make a moral fiber supplement