Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
How dude HOW?!
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.