Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
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Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
A customer told me they were never coming back….
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
it’s not been my year
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore