Okay, that made me chuckle š
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INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote āI aināt afraid of no ghostsā
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[working late]
ME: Iām starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* Youāre right, I feel better.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said āCostcoā
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyoneā¦
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: ā¦go ahead
me: ādo doā
Finally passed GO. Thatās the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
*me talking to a couple* so whoās the 6 and whoās the 9?
Top three perverts that see you when youāre sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[job interview]
āSo why do you want to be a jeweler?āME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasnāt so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildewā¦
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CANāT GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CANāT STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to āremindā us that we arenāt supposed to show movies. Thereās 7 days left. Who does she think sheās kidding
I am NOT just āa piece of meatā you know. Iām a ribeye steakā¦ a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. Iām pork butt.
Nobody suspects that youāre digging a grave when youāre always working on your landscape.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: Thatās Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Texans canāt comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow theyāre very complimentary
this november isnāt novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Just saw a Facebook status that said āironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobsā and I laughed out loudā¦ Canāt tell if itās funny or if Iām just overtired
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. Theyāll take over the world.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: ā¦
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And weāre just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like āthey were friendly so I killed themā & ānote: we should do slavery hereā and everyone elseās notes are like āI am trapped on a boat with a murdererā
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.