Okay, that made me chuckle 馃槀
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Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I wouldn鈥檛 say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they鈥檒l never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It鈥檚 not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Can鈥檛. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven鈥檛 purchased anything from in 10 years.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they鈥檙e drinking enough water.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you鈥檙e an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
no such thing as a dumb question
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?