Okay, that made me chuckle š
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“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
work smarter, not harder
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
I donāt know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesnāt talk.
Teacher: define āimpossibleā
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what āskepticismā is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and āagnosticismā?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Limited budget
my whole life consists of people asking me if iāve seen this movie and me telling them no i havenāt seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them iāll add it to the list but there is no list and i wonāt watch that movie
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus wonāt work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.