Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
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Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
For the baby who has everything
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.