Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
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5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
dream blunt rotation
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive