Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
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This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.