Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
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I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Family Celebrity
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Taliband
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or