Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:

Please stop.

Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.

Love,
M

Doctor: are u high?

Me: no, why?

D: bc ur dressed like Batman

M: well maybe Batman dresses like me

D:…

M: alright yea im a lil high

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

At least my masseuse has my back.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse

ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow

[tomorrow]

Me: I did not see this coming

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.