Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
You Might Also Like
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.