Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”

The picture:

the way this pissed me off… 😭

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.

The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it

– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience