Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
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A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
grandparents are too precious for this world
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it