Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
courtroom exchange of the day
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.