Okay this one takes it home
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“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Stick it to the man
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Received some very disappointing news today
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books