Okay this one takes it home
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Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Who did it better?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
