Okay this one takes it home
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therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
certified hallow’s eve classic
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you