Okay this one takes it home
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This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t