“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Good morning, Twitter 😊
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman