“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
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RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
How I’d get arrested…
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.