Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
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[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
calling in to work dehydrated
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Leftovers are for quitters!
Geez man, take it easy.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.