Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao

“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts

Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

just having fun

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.