Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.