Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
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Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?