[plot twist] ur buried vertically
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I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.