Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
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me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
watergate? u mean a dam??
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.