Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
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me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
ready to be harvested
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
