Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
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Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?