Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
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Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Can’t. Being lazy.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.