Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
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(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?