Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?

Me: Avocados.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game

VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet