Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

i’m still crying at this

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded

The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.

My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.

The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.

Executioner: any last words

Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what

Executioner: what?

Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.

I just have a thing for really bad cookies.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”

How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.