Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

socratic questions

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon