Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

A woman drives into a bar.

1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?

4.25pm: Yes, of course.

Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

[At the funfair]

*Fire alarm sounds*

Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.