Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.

I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.

One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*

CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*

B: SHIT

ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

Just had my nails done!

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.