Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
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Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Seek kebab; not attention
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.