Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

then why did i get this email

[prison]

So, what are you in for?

*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*

“Attempted murder”

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

[visiting hours at prison]

BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?

BEAR: I miss the woods.

BW: The tranquility?

BEAR: No, I really need a shit.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

Her: Feed me!

Me: To what?

ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog

Lucky for them, they’re cute

receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷‍♀️

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

That’s not how days work.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic