Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

From Facebook just now…

They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

All I want for Christmas is my gross pay

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.

Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!

Him: …

Me: …

Him: …

Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-

Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

At Toys R Us:

TRU: Yessir?

Me: I want a light saber.

TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?

Me: 40ish

Never be a pizza!