Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective

Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter

#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed

i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year

The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”