Okey dokey.
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my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
It’s so cute how my husband gently presses on my foot as if it’s a break that will stop me from talking
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Birds & Planes.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Saturday
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news