Okey dokey.
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i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄