Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”

Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”

Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

Beers ranked:

1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*