Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Top 3 questions asked by my parents:

3) How’s the business?

2) Do you have a girlfriend?

1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

[first day at mcdonalds]

guy: can i get a large fry

me: you mean like a potato

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.