Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
You Might Also Like
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Yoga Matt
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.