Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?

Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?

– Beaver

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

“I’m gonna call it a day.”

– God, naming things

Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.