Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
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My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Spell check is for lasers.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
*pronounces patio like ratio
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”